also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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