guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
