Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
