why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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