That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
