Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
