It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
