im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
