Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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