Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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