Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
