I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
