apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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