You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
