So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie