bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?