I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.