just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
