During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
