sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
