So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
