I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
