Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
