I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
