I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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