does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
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Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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