I have demons in me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
