I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
