so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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