Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
