Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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