I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Randomize
