4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
