the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
