i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
