The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
