I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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