then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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