why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
