Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
