I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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