can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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