I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
