OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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