I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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