i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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