I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect