Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
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a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
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I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.