we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room