you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
