Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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