Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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