dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
