: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
