Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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