just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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