Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
