Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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