It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
You dont lie about slip and slides
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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