I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
