I hate your face
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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